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  • Writer's pictureTonic Dominant

entry 8 - brain log check in: meta-reflection

brain log begun

21.2.2021 - 11:16

instead of writing a brand new brain log post this week, i'm re-reading what i've written so far this year, with a special focus on things that i said i would write about next time. i remember making those claims, but i don't think i've followed through. let's see what the recorded words reveal.

new years syllogisms: i didn't miss anything from this entry. i didn't make any promises, i just laid out my intent: to shape my behavior to align with my belief that all humans are equally valuable.

what should i do with rage?: here's a real gem that i quite like from this entry: "why should I celebrate my randomness above someone else's? i don't want to celebrate randomness at all! randomness is neutral."

ah ha! here's something for me to pay attention to and incorporate: "i actually think i have some kind of aversion to the behaviors that would give me more currency to work with... i'm sure i'll write more about this in the future." focus for next week's entry: money/currency/financial behaviors. i also promised to talk more about star wars and to read an academic paper about blood lust and comment on it. those are all worthy focal points.

loving anger: even as i made this promise: "i promise to write a ton more about thich nhat hanh in the future; the words in his books have deeply altered my consciousness." i also admitted that i hadn't read the aforementioned scholarly paper, and specified that this promise was not for next week, just the general "in the future."

i didn't report back on this statement: "this week, i aim to think about preserving life – when do i actually behave in a way that preserves life around me, and when do i behave in a way that is careless with the life around me?"

let me sing for you in a nonlinear mode: i made a promise right away: "i'll do some vocal experiments for next time.i did actually experiment with singing in a 'nonlinear mode,' but i didn't want to post what i created, it needs more work, research, and time. i am perhaps more protective of my musical experiments than my verbal ones. i started thinking of regular modes being linear because they were the same notes up and down the scale, always the same relationship to the tonic. so a non-linear mode could be constantly changing.... but is that just improvising? i would need to improvise in a way that didn't repeat a previously sung modal relationship, in order to keep it in a constant state of change.... the other thing that held me up was wanting to actually know the different between linear and logarithmic in math. i don't even know what i don't know about math, so no promises here.

there's also a purpose that i haven't engaged with: "3. record my reactions to stimuli on a scale from numbness to feeling." that bears quite a lot of additional thought.

what will these hands create next?: "though i've left out some fairly intensive thoughts about education, teaching technique, and lesson planning that i would like to devote more time to." i remember thinking about those issues, but haven't incorporated them into an entry yet. add it to the list.

the status report in this entry seems suuuuuper valuable. if i really want to make progress on these behavioral transformations, recording that progress will make it easier. i teach this to my choir students: if you take time to reflect on the small changes that have occurred in your voice, it gets easier to imagine how great your voice could sound if you keep working. reflection can be extremely motivating, facing the reality of your transformation. more status reports!

what (else) can pain teach me?: interesting that i wrote two entries in a row with questions for titles. probably best not to micromanage that detail. this one is clear of promises or super loose ends.

i owe all of my good thoughts to black feminists: this is by far my most 'click-baity' title, but it also feels like an honest thought and an honest way to tie the entry together with a single statement. the brain log is observing my thoughts, and that includes observing where i think they come from.

the only 'promise' here is speaking of my unreadiness for a life of work towards freedom and to see where i am next (this) week. i had a great conversation with my partner and then with a friend that reaffirmed my commitment to changing my desire for my individual work to 'make a difference' or 'change the world' or even 'hit it big.' my desire for collective work is very real and very big. i spoke with a musical colleague about a project, and she agreed to consult with me on my body movements for this singing/video/yoga/meditation experiment. that's very cool, i want to see that through. if i feel good creating with others, i will keep doing it.

this last post also focused heavily on the importance of reflection, and now i'm engaged in meta-reflection: reflection about my own reflection. call this a throw-a-way brain log entry, if you'd like, but it's very useful for me. it felt really good to re-read all of those entries right now – it reaffirms the pleasure this creation is bringing me. the finished product still brings me joy a month later.

ok, here's the list of topics to focus my thoughts on:

  • financial behaviors

  • star wars

  • blood lust

  • thich nhat hanh

  • preserving life

  • numbness vs. feeling

  • education

  • behavioral status reports

  • readiness for collective work

i plan to look at this list next week before i write a new entry.

brain log ended

21.2.2021 - 18:10

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